Angels in Scrubs...

Sitting in the operating room with front row seats to the most incredible show I'd ever seen... I couldn't take enough in. I'd never really seen the inside of a real OR... to my left, a nurse typing some sort of information on the computer... to my right, my wife's head looking over at me with a dazed look: she seems content... almost amused (?!); I best not remind her that just beyond the blue curtain in front of her, there is a large-scale excavation project going on in the southern regions of her body. Behind me, largely responsible for the amused look on my wife's face and for keeping her nervous system completely unaware of the excavation party, is the anesthesiologist...reading an article on carseats out loud to my minimally lucid wife...why not, right?? Oh boy. Leading the excavation team on the other side of the drape, the doctor we had only met the night before was cutting and cauderizing the layers of Stephanie's abdomen(nothing calms the nerves of a young father to be like the pungeant smell of burnt flesh). This was a sensory overload that no one really prepares you for...

Over in the corner on the other side of the room, stands a small group, clad in green smocks. Why in the world, when I looked over in their direction, did I feel strangely comforted?? For all I know, they are the janitorial staff hanging out to clean up after the surgery. Yet... there is something vital to them being there...being ready. It's as if they are watching over this surgery, waiting...I need them. I don't know why...it's just a feeling. Somehow...I can tell that this group represents a very important part of the next act in this play.

The curtain raises on the next scene of the drama of our life, and the green-smocked spectators take center stage. Insignificant as our parts ultimately were in the moments deciding whether this scene would be a tragedy or a triumph, Stephanie and Avery and I will always be the lead rolls as we recall this scene in our memories. Yet, there began the moment they took our baby in their arms and kept her little life spark alive, an award-winning supporting role that continues to this day; a part shared by many with wings tucked under their fashionable scrubs: the hands and hearts of Heaven.

To all of the staff in the NICU who may ever wonder what you actually accomplished between clocking in and clocking out for your shift today... maybe I could give you a small glimpse into what you mean to us.

You held my baby before I did...you took care of her immmediately, in a way I never could have: you cleaned her, breathed life into her, and you became forever entwined in our lives as you completed our family for the first time, closing the circuit from the safety of mom's womb to the safety of dad's arms.

You patiently answered the millions of questions that raced through a helpless new father's brain...you gave me some sense of providing for my little family, when in reality...all I could do at the time was comfort mom with the information I gathered from you, as she lay in her bed on the other side of the hospital without her new baby.

You welcomed us like family into our child's new home. Do you know what it means to us that you made her a little sign with her name on it!?!? We've never really seen our child's name posted anywhere...and the colorful scrapbook paper...the coordinating colors in her bedding...the cute little bow in her hair... it softens the prick that hit our hearts when we saw our little angel hooked up to so many cords and tubes. How did you know that we weren't expecting her for months...and wouldn't have time to ready her room at home?? Thanks to you, she has never spent a night away from "home"...

You seem to understand when I call...just to see if she's okay. Maybe you know that sick feeling a parent gets, when they can't explain why they are worried about their child. Yes, you must be able to feel like we do... you get so excited to tell me she's gained an ounce, or stayed off of her oxygen for a while today! You have to know that that phone call is the highlight of our day.

You stand by our baby's bed with us...you have smiled and laughed with us through the bright days... and you must have known how much we just needed to talk on those darker nights. Because somehow, if you were there... it would be okay. You always seem to bring us a chair to sit on...maybe you notice that our feet come out from under us alot lately...You must know how helpless we feel...and yet, you give us the comfort we need. Every time you have explained something...we gain confidence. Your patience, your friendship... they are answers to prayers we have prayed all day.

You know us by name... you smile and greet us when we come in. I guess you realize how hard it is for us to drive all the way here to see our baby...when her room is just feet away from ours at home. And yet, you have somehow made a hospital- a place feared and despised by most- our home. The place where our family can be together...a family of which you happen to be a part now...

You taught us how to handle our baby...helped us not be afraid to move her, touch her, hold her...you let me change her diaper...take her temperature...you give us a way to connect with my child at a time when fear and plexiglass try hard as they can to keep us apart.

You've taken pictures for and with us. You've scrapbooked for us. You've saved us long trips home when we've forgotten something in our rush to come up to the hospital. You've placed blankets and hats aside saying how they just look like they should go with our baby. You've played jokes on and with us. You always make time to come answer any small trivial question, when you see that look on my face.

We talk about you at home all the time. We notice the individual strengths you personally bring to the collective effort that is raising our little baby. None of you are exactly the same...thank goodness! Individually and collectively, you are just what we needed today...any given day. We needed your kindness, firmness, gentleness, love, patience, lightness, severity, honesty, buffering, humor, candor, ...fill in the blank...you were what we needed today. We watch you care for our child, and say a prayer of thanks for you right then and there.

Talking to some of you...I don't think you have more than a small idea that you do the work of angels each day. Walking through those double doors...you leave your life behind...and you enter ours. Whoever or whatever you are outside... you are angels to us. You are forever a part of the most important thing that has ever happened to us. We can never really thank you enough for what you do not only for our children:because it's your job...but also for us:because you must know how much we need you.

God couldn't personally be in the NICU each day... so he sent you to us: the hearts and the hands of Heaven.

(I just threw a few pictures together at the last moment...representing all of the NICU staff... I know you all think I take tons of pictures...but they're all of my daughter!! Please know that I haven't gotten a picture of all the wonderful people who have touched our lives from the NICU...but I'm working on it! ;) )

Babies belong in their mother's arms...

Going through this difficult time... we try so hard to focus on the positive. We have so much to be grateful for...we have be so very blessed. Plus, complaining and focusing on the negative makes the minutes seem like days and they drag on and on. And yet...we're human. Steph and I seem to have a lot of talking time lately... long drives to the hospital, quiet moments at Avery's isolet, tired breaks betwen pumping. We try to motivate each other, look on the bright side, comfort and support one another. Most of the time, we just look at each other and laugh...what in the world happened to us three weeks ago!?!?! Sometimes...believe it or not...we actually complain.

I have my own reasons for why this has been hard...but for a minute, I want to give credit to my sweet wife Stephanie. She, like so many other mothers out there in similar situations, deserves a special award. Mothers in general earn a lifetime of gratitude from their children and the fathers of their children for the physical and emotional adventure of pregnancy they enjoy and endure to bring each of us into this life. The prize that waits at that journey's end...is for the mother to take her new child in her arms, and begin this new life together.

But for some moms...the time for them to savor that sweet moment is delayed. I can't tell you how full of gratitude our hearts are that our little Avery is so healthy and growing so strong! But...I can't tell you how difficult it is to see your amazing wife go through all the travails of pregnancy and the miracle of birth...and then leave the hospital a few days later...mother without a child.

Stephanie is so strong. I can't imagine how it must truly be for her. For me...it's amazing to be a part of my child's life at such an early stage...a time that is usually reserved intimately for mother and child. Now, she shares her private time with me and we walk these final weeks together. How do I ever make it up to her? What a gift I have been serendipitously given...but somehow at her expense. My promise to her, is to give her every moment of this life to mother her sweet children till this hole in her heart is overflowing...

I held my baby girl in the moments after her birth, and never wanted to let her go. I thought there would be nothing greater than just holding her in my arms. But then, a few short days later, I saw my wife take her baby in her arms...and the planets aligned in our little universe. This was how it should be, mother and child. There is nothing more right in this world than a baby in its mothers arms. And mothers need babies to hold...

In a perfect world...there would never be a millimeter of plexiglass between a mother and her child... but all the plexiglass in the world can't keep a mother's love from her baby...

So many of you who read this are mothers, with children of your own. I know that they are of all ages from grown to still in the womb. Each of us have our own difficult times to endure in this life...and have advice to give as we learn from them. I don't pretend to know very much at all about this life...but from what I have learned in these few weeks since we have had our baby...I do have this to pass on to you: hold your babies...hold on to them... cuddle them, rock them, tickle them. No matter how old they are...cherish that physical bond you have with them...whether you get it anytime you want...or it's for a few precious minutes twice a week. Don't ever take a single moment of it for granted...

We sit in the dim lights of the NICU and I watch Stephanie hold that sweet little girl and I see my whole world sitting there. The love I can physically feel coming from that little union opens up the pages of my life and I see days to come of laughing and playing, exploring and discovering, achieving and succeeding. There is nothing more that I enjoy nowadays, than seeing my wife hold our little girl. I don't quite understand why things are for us right now they way they are...but I do know this: There is a day coming, not too far off, when this wonderful little mom won't have to put her baby back after holding time. That day will make all of this worth it.

I love you Steph...Avery is the luckiest little girl in the world to have you as her mom.

Avery Ann Hansen 08/01/08 1 Lb. 15 oz. 12 3/4 in.

After having told this story about a million times to our friends and family in the past...3-4 days...(how long has it been??? we don't get much sleep around here; it all seems like one big day so far)- I figured I would take advantage of our last quiet morning here in the hospital to jot down a quick version of how little Avery became a cute little summer baby, instead of a Halloween baby like Steph and I expected!

I have to begin by saying that Stephanie had had the easiest pregnancy either of us had ever heard of! Ever since we saw that little pink line on the pregnancy test way back in February, we had to keep asking ourselves... "Are we really pregnant???" Steph was never bothered with any morning sickness, weird cravings or anything. Week after week, we just kept looking at each other in surprise that this pregnancy thing was so easy! (little did we know...)

Fast forward to July, and we begin to make plans to visit my family who recently moved to Oregon. We don't get to see them too much, so we decided on the week of the 24th of July, giving us a couple extra days to be with them before Steph went back to work. That month, Steph actually began showing a pregnant belly, and was getting swollen feet... but we still felt like we somehow dodged the bullet and were having the easiest pregnancy ever! We had also recently moved into a new, two-bedroom apartment and were scrambling to get our things moved in before we left for our 12 hour road trip to Oregon. By the afternoon of the 23rd, we were "mostly" situated in the new place, packed in our little car- with a bed made up in the back seat for Steph to put her feet up and rest, and drove up to Oregon. That week, Steph had hit her 28 week mark...and we were shocked at how quickly the weeks had gone by and wondered how quickly those next 12 or so weeks would go before we hit our standard 40 weeks, and welcomed a new one into the world! She had checked with her doctors office before we left, and they said it would be fine to travel as long as we got out regularly and walked and took a bathroom break and knew of a doctor in the area up there...just in case. For the first time, Steph's blood pressure measured a little high and the nurse apparently saw small traces of protein in her urine test...but each of those were looked at as something to keep an eye on, but not to worry about.

So, we found ourselves in Oregon having a great time with the grandparents and aunts-t0-be (my parents and sisters), relaxing by the pool, riding bikes, walking, floating down the river, and shopping by day... but by night, Stephanie began to have excruciating pains in her upper abdomen, that we could only assume was heartburn or digestion issues common to pregnancy. She would be up all night while I or her angel of a mother-in-law would stay up and try to rub her stomach or walk with her. We called the doctor on call back in Utah, who suggested that it was probably heartburn and to go get some over the counter medicine for that and other digestive problems. We did that, called the pregnancy helpline and got all the advice we could, and still ended up with advice and medicine for normal pregnancy digestive pains. By now, Steph was also having on and off pains along the right side of her abdomen, and her blood pressure fluxuated from high to normal, but she had long periods of time during the day when she felt fine... so we thought that we had caught the problem and were getting things under control. So, we continued to play and relax, and when the pains came back the only things that helped a little were tylenol, massages and TLC from my mom, warm jacuzzi baths, and blessings from a half-awake husband.

We enjoyed ourselves being with our family so much, but there was some feeling of relief to be headed back Wednesday...because we had our next pre-natal appointment at 9 am the next morning. The long drive home passed quickly, with Steph only having an hour or two where she actually had any pain. We chatted a lot on the way home and had a good time together. A couple times, we just made the comment that this would be the last road trip we would ever make as just the two of us... little did we know!!! We got home that night, and only had energy to get all the stuff out of the car, and into the apartment. We went to bed deciding that the plan for the next day was for us to go to the drs, then Steph would go to work, and I would go wash the car, and clean the apartment. We had just ordered our crib and were excited to get our second room all ready for the baby. It was still full of stuff from moving, and we wanted to have it all ready by October, so I was going to make a good dent in it to surprise Steph.

I woke up the next morning to Steph pacing the small hallway in our apartment in pain like she had up in Oregon. We ended up in a small argument over whether a pregnant woman should take Tylenol or not (an argument which I won, after looking it up online, showing my ailing wife that I possesed the medical prowess to care for her!! ...heavy sarcasm intended)... So, she took the Tylenol, and we got ready to go to the doctors...armed with questions about how to get rid of her pains and what kind of fiber a pregnant lady was safe to take! (they seemed like the right questions at the time!!)

We got to the doctors and were greeted with the usual full waiting room, and as usual, got back into our room about 45 mins late. The doctor greeted us, checked the baby's heartbeat- just as clear and normal as ever... and sat down with us to run through Steph's chart. He asked if we had any questions, and Steph asked about her pains she'd been having and told him about being instructed to take care of it with heartburn medicine etc. He skimmed the chart, and commented that he noticed her blood pressure was high-which was unusual, because it had been so great her whole pregnancy. All of the sudden, it seemed like he glanced down to something on the chart that he hand't seen yet, and said that her protein levels in her urine were unusually high. He looked up and said, "I'm going to send you down to the hospital for some tests". We both looked at each other and kind of groaned...because we had done the same thing a few weeks before, and it had turned in to a full day of sitting around and waiting for lab results that hadn't amounted to much. On our way out, I tried to ask some questions about the fiber she should be taking, but the doctor kind of brushed it aside and said "you need to get to the hospital to get those tests"... We were obviously on two different pages!

Steph called work on the way to tell them she would be late, and we both just laughed and grumbled about our bad luck saying "Well, there goes the day!". It was a relief when we were taken to the same room we had been in for testing the few weeks before by the same nurse, who had become a friend to us during the last visit. We had told her last time that we really hoped she'd be around for our delivery, and were delighted to see her again!. She told us that this was actually her first day back on the job after having been terribly sick for a week. We just said how lucky timing always seemed in situations like this. My brother Brady sent us a text saying that he was out doing errands, and could bring us some pizza or something for lunch if we wanted. He knew what a bummer it was for us last time to sit around and wait for the tests, and figured that he and his wife Taryn could come help us pass the time. We looked at each other and said, "Why not?"....

We chatted with our nurse, and waited for the test results to come back and just tried to kill the time. I was sitting on the chair next to Steph's bed, texting our parents...just trying to update them that we hadn't gotten any news back...just that her blood pressure was high, but no real news to worry about, when the nurse came back in. She sat down at the foot of the bed, looked at Steph and said "You're really sick". I went over to hold Stephs hand, and comfort her, when the world stopped...the nurse said "You're going to have your baby today, maybe tomorrow"....The rest of what she said about Steph's liver enzymes being sky-high, and having to be transferred to another hospital 45 minutes away, and all the rest kind of blurred together as we tried to comprehend what she had just said.

(to be continued... i'm too tired to type anymore!!)