It's not that hard...

(*I am adding this note a few days after posting this entry... I thought about just taking this post off completely to avoid confusion...but it was how I was feeling at the time. I don't know how clearly I was coming across... this post was written on what was probably the hardest day so far for me... the title "it's not that hard" is meant to be very ironic... it's kind of the whole argument that goes on inside of you, telling yourself to look on the bright side of things, when sometimes, the bad DOES outweigh the good...and that's okay! Anyway...most of the "positives" I mention in this entry come from things that people have told us as encouragement, and things that we tell ourselves...which are normally enough to keep our eyes on the prize and stay grateful...but it's my way of portraying the very human side of things...the side that does get discouraged and frustrated...temporary as it is...I tried to start off each paragraph like most of my thoughts that day...with a small positive thought, some silly...some more serious...but then end off each paragraph kind of how most of my thoughts ended up... more of a negative, wistful thought...it's how my brain was working that day...For those of you who know me, you can understand that most of this post was written tongue-in-cheek, while I was emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears!! But, it's good...not every day is like that... we're so blessed and taken care of! Anyway...enough blabbering ... just disregard this whole post if it doesn't make sense... :) )


You know... everyone keeps saying that how strong we must be, going through all of this. Every time they do, Steph and I just look at each other, and a million emotions run through our heads. Honestly...it's just one of those things that you just do; not because we chose the hard route, and stuck through it...but because for some reason, each morning we look down, and this is the road under our feet.

But you know... it's not that hard. I mean, Avery wasn't even due until October...mid October at that! So, yeah...since it's just the beginnning of September right now, we have a good 4-6 weeks before we even start longing to have her with us... right? In my head...thoughts go back and forth...almost arguing with each other... it's harder this way...no, it's easier... (I will apologize in advance...this post is going to seem a little disjointed...mostly tongue in cheek...but it's late...and you'll get more of a feel of what's really going on inside my head without further editing!)

Steph already looks as beautiful...no...even more beautiful than she ever has! It's only been a month and people come up to us all the time and say in disbelief that she doesn't even look like she's had a baby! And like everyone has reminded her: no stretch marks!! And with the added "enhancement" that comes with breast feeding...come on...who's really complaining!It's really those last few weeks that are the hardest on the mom physically...but then again, only a mother can understand what a treasure each day is...carrying her child...the last few weeks: roughest on the mom's body, so good for the baby's...

And as I've mentioned before, what father really gets to be a part of their child's life at this point anyway? My sister-in-law joked that an isolet is just a "womb with a view"!...What a way to spend the last few weeks of gestation! When other guys are giving lower back and foot massages to their wives with bellies 5 times bigger than anything you could expect to be humanly possible... We still get to go out on dates without trying to find a babysitter! Man, I always felt bad for that poor expectant mother we saw at church, due anytime and just SUPER uncomfortable-never got to that point!... or that dad who has to bring his screaming baby to the foyer-not there yet!... or that couple that just can't pay much attention to the meeting, cuddling their sweet little newborn...It's hard not to get jealous...

Oh yeah...and we don't have to worry about having that overnight bag carefully packed with anticipation... and waiting, endless conversations as the due date approaches,wondering exactly when our lives will be interrupted and changed forever. Will it be the middle of the night?? Or maybe randomly during the day?? Having a plan on how to meet up...or who to call first... Whew...we've got our surprise over with...not really how we expected it. As you get closer to the due date...I've heard someone say, it starts to seem like Christmas Eve...that sounded kinda cool...

For 3 bonus months, we get to sleep through the night, not having to wake up every few hours to a baby crying...everyone says to really count our blessings, because we'll never get another good nights rest. They don't understand how nice it will be to wake up to her little cries, instead of our own tears... that sweet little cry...I don't think I'll mind washing bottles so much then...

She's so little...so really, we wouldn't even know how to begin to take care of such a small baby! Now, we've got nurses doing all the hard stuff for us...monitoring her breathing, heart-rate, oxygen levels...preparing her mixture of milk and fortifyer to the right amounts and filling the feeding tube...giving her little back rubs when she needs stimulation... holding her little frog legs up with one hand and changing those smelly diapers...giving her her first little baths, calming her little cries with a comforting touch...picking out the cutest bows to match her tenderly made bed...tucking her in each night...sounds like fun to me :)

And let's be honest...how much can you miss someone who has never really been around?? I can understand, if we were already used to having her around all the time that it would be hard to have her away from us. We've never even had a baby in our home...so it's not like there's anything missing...in the nursery, with the crib covered in baby stuff, and I mean...all those carefully folded miniature outfits can wait in the little dresser...and we can already use the rocking chair when Steph pumps...actually... I can't wait to have her home...

I've only held her a few times really...Steph's only felt her little cheek on her chest a couple of times. We can count on a few of our big fingers, the number of times her little fingers have wrapped around ours so tightly, as if to say: Mom, Dad...it's going to be fine!! She's still hooked up to a feeding tube and monitors... stuck to her with little stickers that have little blue and pink rocking horses, teddy bears and trains on them that will always remind me of these special days. I have probably seen some of the same people at the grocery store more times in my life than I've seen my own sweet little daughter...and yet, this little stranger occupies most of our thoughts...

So yeah... for so many reasons...these past few weeks have gone by so quickly...and she'll be home before we know it...and we'll look back on these times with fondness...and we are so so so lucky and blessed...and closer than we've ever been...and sometimes, just sometimes... like this afternoon (and, in all honesty, many, many other times)standing over her little isolet, and those big little eyes look up to me and she almost seems to be reaching up to me...and I picture the day she's jumping on me...the three of us finally at home, squeeling and giggling ... though I might tell you that for so many reasons,it's not that hard...it does get pretty tough

Angels in Scrubs...

Sitting in the operating room with front row seats to the most incredible show I'd ever seen... I couldn't take enough in. I'd never really seen the inside of a real OR... to my left, a nurse typing some sort of information on the computer... to my right, my wife's head looking over at me with a dazed look: she seems content... almost amused (?!); I best not remind her that just beyond the blue curtain in front of her, there is a large-scale excavation project going on in the southern regions of her body. Behind me, largely responsible for the amused look on my wife's face and for keeping her nervous system completely unaware of the excavation party, is the anesthesiologist...reading an article on carseats out loud to my minimally lucid wife...why not, right?? Oh boy. Leading the excavation team on the other side of the drape, the doctor we had only met the night before was cutting and cauderizing the layers of Stephanie's abdomen(nothing calms the nerves of a young father to be like the pungeant smell of burnt flesh). This was a sensory overload that no one really prepares you for...

Over in the corner on the other side of the room, stands a small group, clad in green smocks. Why in the world, when I looked over in their direction, did I feel strangely comforted?? For all I know, they are the janitorial staff hanging out to clean up after the surgery. Yet... there is something vital to them being there...being ready. It's as if they are watching over this surgery, waiting...I need them. I don't know why...it's just a feeling. Somehow...I can tell that this group represents a very important part of the next act in this play.

The curtain raises on the next scene of the drama of our life, and the green-smocked spectators take center stage. Insignificant as our parts ultimately were in the moments deciding whether this scene would be a tragedy or a triumph, Stephanie and Avery and I will always be the lead rolls as we recall this scene in our memories. Yet, there began the moment they took our baby in their arms and kept her little life spark alive, an award-winning supporting role that continues to this day; a part shared by many with wings tucked under their fashionable scrubs: the hands and hearts of Heaven.

To all of the staff in the NICU who may ever wonder what you actually accomplished between clocking in and clocking out for your shift today... maybe I could give you a small glimpse into what you mean to us.

You held my baby before I did...you took care of her immmediately, in a way I never could have: you cleaned her, breathed life into her, and you became forever entwined in our lives as you completed our family for the first time, closing the circuit from the safety of mom's womb to the safety of dad's arms.

You patiently answered the millions of questions that raced through a helpless new father's brain...you gave me some sense of providing for my little family, when in reality...all I could do at the time was comfort mom with the information I gathered from you, as she lay in her bed on the other side of the hospital without her new baby.

You welcomed us like family into our child's new home. Do you know what it means to us that you made her a little sign with her name on it!?!? We've never really seen our child's name posted anywhere...and the colorful scrapbook paper...the coordinating colors in her bedding...the cute little bow in her hair... it softens the prick that hit our hearts when we saw our little angel hooked up to so many cords and tubes. How did you know that we weren't expecting her for months...and wouldn't have time to ready her room at home?? Thanks to you, she has never spent a night away from "home"...

You seem to understand when I call...just to see if she's okay. Maybe you know that sick feeling a parent gets, when they can't explain why they are worried about their child. Yes, you must be able to feel like we do... you get so excited to tell me she's gained an ounce, or stayed off of her oxygen for a while today! You have to know that that phone call is the highlight of our day.

You stand by our baby's bed with us...you have smiled and laughed with us through the bright days... and you must have known how much we just needed to talk on those darker nights. Because somehow, if you were there... it would be okay. You always seem to bring us a chair to sit on...maybe you notice that our feet come out from under us alot lately...You must know how helpless we feel...and yet, you give us the comfort we need. Every time you have explained something...we gain confidence. Your patience, your friendship... they are answers to prayers we have prayed all day.

You know us by name... you smile and greet us when we come in. I guess you realize how hard it is for us to drive all the way here to see our baby...when her room is just feet away from ours at home. And yet, you have somehow made a hospital- a place feared and despised by most- our home. The place where our family can be together...a family of which you happen to be a part now...

You taught us how to handle our baby...helped us not be afraid to move her, touch her, hold her...you let me change her diaper...take her temperature...you give us a way to connect with my child at a time when fear and plexiglass try hard as they can to keep us apart.

You've taken pictures for and with us. You've scrapbooked for us. You've saved us long trips home when we've forgotten something in our rush to come up to the hospital. You've placed blankets and hats aside saying how they just look like they should go with our baby. You've played jokes on and with us. You always make time to come answer any small trivial question, when you see that look on my face.

We talk about you at home all the time. We notice the individual strengths you personally bring to the collective effort that is raising our little baby. None of you are exactly the same...thank goodness! Individually and collectively, you are just what we needed today...any given day. We needed your kindness, firmness, gentleness, love, patience, lightness, severity, honesty, buffering, humor, candor, ...fill in the blank...you were what we needed today. We watch you care for our child, and say a prayer of thanks for you right then and there.

Talking to some of you...I don't think you have more than a small idea that you do the work of angels each day. Walking through those double doors...you leave your life behind...and you enter ours. Whoever or whatever you are outside... you are angels to us. You are forever a part of the most important thing that has ever happened to us. We can never really thank you enough for what you do not only for our children:because it's your job...but also for us:because you must know how much we need you.

God couldn't personally be in the NICU each day... so he sent you to us: the hearts and the hands of Heaven.

(I just threw a few pictures together at the last moment...representing all of the NICU staff... I know you all think I take tons of pictures...but they're all of my daughter!! Please know that I haven't gotten a picture of all the wonderful people who have touched our lives from the NICU...but I'm working on it! ;) )