It's not that hard...

(*I am adding this note a few days after posting this entry... I thought about just taking this post off completely to avoid confusion...but it was how I was feeling at the time. I don't know how clearly I was coming across... this post was written on what was probably the hardest day so far for me... the title "it's not that hard" is meant to be very ironic... it's kind of the whole argument that goes on inside of you, telling yourself to look on the bright side of things, when sometimes, the bad DOES outweigh the good...and that's okay! Anyway...most of the "positives" I mention in this entry come from things that people have told us as encouragement, and things that we tell ourselves...which are normally enough to keep our eyes on the prize and stay grateful...but it's my way of portraying the very human side of things...the side that does get discouraged and frustrated...temporary as it is...I tried to start off each paragraph like most of my thoughts that day...with a small positive thought, some silly...some more serious...but then end off each paragraph kind of how most of my thoughts ended up... more of a negative, wistful thought...it's how my brain was working that day...For those of you who know me, you can understand that most of this post was written tongue-in-cheek, while I was emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears!! But, it's good...not every day is like that... we're so blessed and taken care of! Anyway...enough blabbering ... just disregard this whole post if it doesn't make sense... :) )


You know... everyone keeps saying that how strong we must be, going through all of this. Every time they do, Steph and I just look at each other, and a million emotions run through our heads. Honestly...it's just one of those things that you just do; not because we chose the hard route, and stuck through it...but because for some reason, each morning we look down, and this is the road under our feet.

But you know... it's not that hard. I mean, Avery wasn't even due until October...mid October at that! So, yeah...since it's just the beginnning of September right now, we have a good 4-6 weeks before we even start longing to have her with us... right? In my head...thoughts go back and forth...almost arguing with each other... it's harder this way...no, it's easier... (I will apologize in advance...this post is going to seem a little disjointed...mostly tongue in cheek...but it's late...and you'll get more of a feel of what's really going on inside my head without further editing!)

Steph already looks as beautiful...no...even more beautiful than she ever has! It's only been a month and people come up to us all the time and say in disbelief that she doesn't even look like she's had a baby! And like everyone has reminded her: no stretch marks!! And with the added "enhancement" that comes with breast feeding...come on...who's really complaining!It's really those last few weeks that are the hardest on the mom physically...but then again, only a mother can understand what a treasure each day is...carrying her child...the last few weeks: roughest on the mom's body, so good for the baby's...

And as I've mentioned before, what father really gets to be a part of their child's life at this point anyway? My sister-in-law joked that an isolet is just a "womb with a view"!...What a way to spend the last few weeks of gestation! When other guys are giving lower back and foot massages to their wives with bellies 5 times bigger than anything you could expect to be humanly possible... We still get to go out on dates without trying to find a babysitter! Man, I always felt bad for that poor expectant mother we saw at church, due anytime and just SUPER uncomfortable-never got to that point!... or that dad who has to bring his screaming baby to the foyer-not there yet!... or that couple that just can't pay much attention to the meeting, cuddling their sweet little newborn...It's hard not to get jealous...

Oh yeah...and we don't have to worry about having that overnight bag carefully packed with anticipation... and waiting, endless conversations as the due date approaches,wondering exactly when our lives will be interrupted and changed forever. Will it be the middle of the night?? Or maybe randomly during the day?? Having a plan on how to meet up...or who to call first... Whew...we've got our surprise over with...not really how we expected it. As you get closer to the due date...I've heard someone say, it starts to seem like Christmas Eve...that sounded kinda cool...

For 3 bonus months, we get to sleep through the night, not having to wake up every few hours to a baby crying...everyone says to really count our blessings, because we'll never get another good nights rest. They don't understand how nice it will be to wake up to her little cries, instead of our own tears... that sweet little cry...I don't think I'll mind washing bottles so much then...

She's so little...so really, we wouldn't even know how to begin to take care of such a small baby! Now, we've got nurses doing all the hard stuff for us...monitoring her breathing, heart-rate, oxygen levels...preparing her mixture of milk and fortifyer to the right amounts and filling the feeding tube...giving her little back rubs when she needs stimulation... holding her little frog legs up with one hand and changing those smelly diapers...giving her her first little baths, calming her little cries with a comforting touch...picking out the cutest bows to match her tenderly made bed...tucking her in each night...sounds like fun to me :)

And let's be honest...how much can you miss someone who has never really been around?? I can understand, if we were already used to having her around all the time that it would be hard to have her away from us. We've never even had a baby in our home...so it's not like there's anything missing...in the nursery, with the crib covered in baby stuff, and I mean...all those carefully folded miniature outfits can wait in the little dresser...and we can already use the rocking chair when Steph pumps...actually... I can't wait to have her home...

I've only held her a few times really...Steph's only felt her little cheek on her chest a couple of times. We can count on a few of our big fingers, the number of times her little fingers have wrapped around ours so tightly, as if to say: Mom, Dad...it's going to be fine!! She's still hooked up to a feeding tube and monitors... stuck to her with little stickers that have little blue and pink rocking horses, teddy bears and trains on them that will always remind me of these special days. I have probably seen some of the same people at the grocery store more times in my life than I've seen my own sweet little daughter...and yet, this little stranger occupies most of our thoughts...

So yeah... for so many reasons...these past few weeks have gone by so quickly...and she'll be home before we know it...and we'll look back on these times with fondness...and we are so so so lucky and blessed...and closer than we've ever been...and sometimes, just sometimes... like this afternoon (and, in all honesty, many, many other times)standing over her little isolet, and those big little eyes look up to me and she almost seems to be reaching up to me...and I picture the day she's jumping on me...the three of us finally at home, squeeling and giggling ... though I might tell you that for so many reasons,it's not that hard...it does get pretty tough

Angels in Scrubs...

Sitting in the operating room with front row seats to the most incredible show I'd ever seen... I couldn't take enough in. I'd never really seen the inside of a real OR... to my left, a nurse typing some sort of information on the computer... to my right, my wife's head looking over at me with a dazed look: she seems content... almost amused (?!); I best not remind her that just beyond the blue curtain in front of her, there is a large-scale excavation project going on in the southern regions of her body. Behind me, largely responsible for the amused look on my wife's face and for keeping her nervous system completely unaware of the excavation party, is the anesthesiologist...reading an article on carseats out loud to my minimally lucid wife...why not, right?? Oh boy. Leading the excavation team on the other side of the drape, the doctor we had only met the night before was cutting and cauderizing the layers of Stephanie's abdomen(nothing calms the nerves of a young father to be like the pungeant smell of burnt flesh). This was a sensory overload that no one really prepares you for...

Over in the corner on the other side of the room, stands a small group, clad in green smocks. Why in the world, when I looked over in their direction, did I feel strangely comforted?? For all I know, they are the janitorial staff hanging out to clean up after the surgery. Yet... there is something vital to them being there...being ready. It's as if they are watching over this surgery, waiting...I need them. I don't know why...it's just a feeling. Somehow...I can tell that this group represents a very important part of the next act in this play.

The curtain raises on the next scene of the drama of our life, and the green-smocked spectators take center stage. Insignificant as our parts ultimately were in the moments deciding whether this scene would be a tragedy or a triumph, Stephanie and Avery and I will always be the lead rolls as we recall this scene in our memories. Yet, there began the moment they took our baby in their arms and kept her little life spark alive, an award-winning supporting role that continues to this day; a part shared by many with wings tucked under their fashionable scrubs: the hands and hearts of Heaven.

To all of the staff in the NICU who may ever wonder what you actually accomplished between clocking in and clocking out for your shift today... maybe I could give you a small glimpse into what you mean to us.

You held my baby before I did...you took care of her immmediately, in a way I never could have: you cleaned her, breathed life into her, and you became forever entwined in our lives as you completed our family for the first time, closing the circuit from the safety of mom's womb to the safety of dad's arms.

You patiently answered the millions of questions that raced through a helpless new father's brain...you gave me some sense of providing for my little family, when in reality...all I could do at the time was comfort mom with the information I gathered from you, as she lay in her bed on the other side of the hospital without her new baby.

You welcomed us like family into our child's new home. Do you know what it means to us that you made her a little sign with her name on it!?!? We've never really seen our child's name posted anywhere...and the colorful scrapbook paper...the coordinating colors in her bedding...the cute little bow in her hair... it softens the prick that hit our hearts when we saw our little angel hooked up to so many cords and tubes. How did you know that we weren't expecting her for months...and wouldn't have time to ready her room at home?? Thanks to you, she has never spent a night away from "home"...

You seem to understand when I call...just to see if she's okay. Maybe you know that sick feeling a parent gets, when they can't explain why they are worried about their child. Yes, you must be able to feel like we do... you get so excited to tell me she's gained an ounce, or stayed off of her oxygen for a while today! You have to know that that phone call is the highlight of our day.

You stand by our baby's bed with us...you have smiled and laughed with us through the bright days... and you must have known how much we just needed to talk on those darker nights. Because somehow, if you were there... it would be okay. You always seem to bring us a chair to sit on...maybe you notice that our feet come out from under us alot lately...You must know how helpless we feel...and yet, you give us the comfort we need. Every time you have explained something...we gain confidence. Your patience, your friendship... they are answers to prayers we have prayed all day.

You know us by name... you smile and greet us when we come in. I guess you realize how hard it is for us to drive all the way here to see our baby...when her room is just feet away from ours at home. And yet, you have somehow made a hospital- a place feared and despised by most- our home. The place where our family can be together...a family of which you happen to be a part now...

You taught us how to handle our baby...helped us not be afraid to move her, touch her, hold her...you let me change her diaper...take her temperature...you give us a way to connect with my child at a time when fear and plexiglass try hard as they can to keep us apart.

You've taken pictures for and with us. You've scrapbooked for us. You've saved us long trips home when we've forgotten something in our rush to come up to the hospital. You've placed blankets and hats aside saying how they just look like they should go with our baby. You've played jokes on and with us. You always make time to come answer any small trivial question, when you see that look on my face.

We talk about you at home all the time. We notice the individual strengths you personally bring to the collective effort that is raising our little baby. None of you are exactly the same...thank goodness! Individually and collectively, you are just what we needed today...any given day. We needed your kindness, firmness, gentleness, love, patience, lightness, severity, honesty, buffering, humor, candor, ...fill in the blank...you were what we needed today. We watch you care for our child, and say a prayer of thanks for you right then and there.

Talking to some of you...I don't think you have more than a small idea that you do the work of angels each day. Walking through those double doors...you leave your life behind...and you enter ours. Whoever or whatever you are outside... you are angels to us. You are forever a part of the most important thing that has ever happened to us. We can never really thank you enough for what you do not only for our children:because it's your job...but also for us:because you must know how much we need you.

God couldn't personally be in the NICU each day... so he sent you to us: the hearts and the hands of Heaven.

(I just threw a few pictures together at the last moment...representing all of the NICU staff... I know you all think I take tons of pictures...but they're all of my daughter!! Please know that I haven't gotten a picture of all the wonderful people who have touched our lives from the NICU...but I'm working on it! ;) )

How to distract yourself while your baby takes care of some unfinished business...

Tip #1- make sure you have your premature baby during the Olympics. Boy did we time that one just right! It's amazing how much quicker those 12 minute pumping sessions go when you're catching up on the latest from Beijing. In fact...I think that Steph medaled in the 2x 12 min freestyle pumping event- way to make your country proud and keep your daughter full!! I'm not going to make any big political comment on anything that happened during the games or recap any of the great athletic achievements... there are plenty of blogs out there taking care of that for me. For some...the Olympics have been the crowning achievement of a lifetime of hard work- for us, it's been the perfect mind candy during the most singular time in our lives! We are sitting here watching the closing ceremonies, musing that the next time we watch the Olympics, we'll have a little 4 year old running around... now that will be a medal-worthy achievement....

Tip #2- Keep yourself busy with projects and new hobbies. As mentioned before, Stephanie has taken on pumping. (I could make all sorts of fun jokes and comments... but I forget that not everyone is as knee-deep in this fun as we are, and we still live in a slightly puritan society, where even some mothers are uncomfortable with this topic. Some life events blow normal taboos out of the water :) )Every sport has it's gear, and we've geared Steph up with a Medela Pump-in-Style hospital grade pump (we ain't messin' around...), which comes with a stylish Metro Bag... smart purchase all across the board.

I have taken on a complimentary hobby: bottle-washing. The other day I calculated that I have washed those bottles about 150 times...give or take. I do have to say, with no small bit of pride, I do have quite the technique figured out. Smartest gear purchase on my end: a functional drying rack for the bottles, with a bottle scrubber. I've really maximized my efficiency, and minimized washing time, while ensuring a higher level of cleanliness... nothing but the best for our girl!

We have also teamed up to get some serious picture taking and scrapbooking done. I think that the nurses have finally just gotten used to the fact that Avery is going to have a full-blown photo-shoot every time we come to visit. Everyone's favorite comment: Yeah, we did that too for our first baby...you'll see, each child gets fewer and fewer pictures taken. My response in my head each time: Speak for yourselves, rookies! Anyone who has been on vacation with me knows that it's gonna take more than a few more kids and years to keep me from taking picutres. Steph has taken it upon herself to get some serious scrapbooking done. She just got a few pages done of us for our anniversary and will get going on Avery's scrapbook soon. We have also had some awesome NICU nurses help us out with some great scrapbook memories to get us started!Together...we will immortalize the moments of our lives...

Tip #3: take up an impossible sleep schedule. When you don't sleep much... you end up sleeping a lot! Crazy as that sounds... you either understand what that means or you haven't lived it yet. Chances are, we will all have a time in our lives when that will be true. Somehow, we are living in a time warp, where minutes seem like days, days are measured in ounces gained or lost, time is passed by savoring the moment and hastening each second by... and whatever is left in between is spent napping :) Time flies when you're half-awake!

Tip #4: Pretend like the bun is still in the oven, and do the "normal" things. Everyone keeps asking us well-meaning questions like "Have you chosen a pediatrician?" or "Where are you registered"... We just politely smile and realize that WE are the sane ones...and you all have gone crazy :) Just kidding of course! We didn't exactly expect the baby to come until October, so we're kinda playing catch-up on all that fun stuff. Steph and I went to Babies R Us this week and registered... We got most of the basics registered for, but ended up in frustration, not knowing which brands or sizes or whatever. We're hoping for a lot of good suggestions, lots of gift cards and diapers... and my secret plan is to simply bribe one of our NICU nurses to come home with us and I think that will pretty much cover those bases!

We went home for the first time in what seemed like forever, and our big accomplishment- besides doing the laundry- was getting Avery's crib set up. It did my male ego some good to get that set up... and it made us laugh as we placed a doll the size of Avery in the corner of the crib. We might as well have saved the money and just let her sleep in my sock drawer! Some things we do for our babies... some things are for us silly parents!

Tip #5: Surround yourself with amazing people. I don't want to name names...but I have learned that you never go through anything alone...ever. There are people who have accomodated us physically, so unselfishly and lovingly. There are people who traveled long distances to make sure we were loved and supported through our tough times. We have made friends who have gone through similar circumstances and have shared emails and stories with us that give us hope. We share loads with friends going through their own times of trial. Some listen to our cares and worries... some are our hands and hearts caring for our angel... some help us see in ourselves what we don't when we see our weary reflections in the mirror. A few give of their time... a few of their creative talents... not one small effort goes unnoticed. We could never do it without you. We've made it this far hand in hand...carried in His hand... we can make it because we're not alone...

Avery Ann Hansen 08/01/08 1 Lb. 15 oz. 12 3/4 in.

After having told this story about a million times to our friends and family in the past...3-4 days...(how long has it been??? we don't get much sleep around here; it all seems like one big day so far)- I figured I would take advantage of our last quiet morning here in the hospital to jot down a quick version of how little Avery became a cute little summer baby, instead of a Halloween baby like Steph and I expected!

I have to begin by saying that Stephanie had had the easiest pregnancy either of us had ever heard of! Ever since we saw that little pink line on the pregnancy test way back in February, we had to keep asking ourselves... "Are we really pregnant???" Steph was never bothered with any morning sickness, weird cravings or anything. Week after week, we just kept looking at each other in surprise that this pregnancy thing was so easy! (little did we know...)

Fast forward to July, and we begin to make plans to visit my family who recently moved to Oregon. We don't get to see them too much, so we decided on the week of the 24th of July, giving us a couple extra days to be with them before Steph went back to work. That month, Steph actually began showing a pregnant belly, and was getting swollen feet... but we still felt like we somehow dodged the bullet and were having the easiest pregnancy ever! We had also recently moved into a new, two-bedroom apartment and were scrambling to get our things moved in before we left for our 12 hour road trip to Oregon. By the afternoon of the 23rd, we were "mostly" situated in the new place, packed in our little car- with a bed made up in the back seat for Steph to put her feet up and rest, and drove up to Oregon. That week, Steph had hit her 28 week mark...and we were shocked at how quickly the weeks had gone by and wondered how quickly those next 12 or so weeks would go before we hit our standard 40 weeks, and welcomed a new one into the world! She had checked with her doctors office before we left, and they said it would be fine to travel as long as we got out regularly and walked and took a bathroom break and knew of a doctor in the area up there...just in case. For the first time, Steph's blood pressure measured a little high and the nurse apparently saw small traces of protein in her urine test...but each of those were looked at as something to keep an eye on, but not to worry about.

So, we found ourselves in Oregon having a great time with the grandparents and aunts-t0-be (my parents and sisters), relaxing by the pool, riding bikes, walking, floating down the river, and shopping by day... but by night, Stephanie began to have excruciating pains in her upper abdomen, that we could only assume was heartburn or digestion issues common to pregnancy. She would be up all night while I or her angel of a mother-in-law would stay up and try to rub her stomach or walk with her. We called the doctor on call back in Utah, who suggested that it was probably heartburn and to go get some over the counter medicine for that and other digestive problems. We did that, called the pregnancy helpline and got all the advice we could, and still ended up with advice and medicine for normal pregnancy digestive pains. By now, Steph was also having on and off pains along the right side of her abdomen, and her blood pressure fluxuated from high to normal, but she had long periods of time during the day when she felt fine... so we thought that we had caught the problem and were getting things under control. So, we continued to play and relax, and when the pains came back the only things that helped a little were tylenol, massages and TLC from my mom, warm jacuzzi baths, and blessings from a half-awake husband.

We enjoyed ourselves being with our family so much, but there was some feeling of relief to be headed back Wednesday...because we had our next pre-natal appointment at 9 am the next morning. The long drive home passed quickly, with Steph only having an hour or two where she actually had any pain. We chatted a lot on the way home and had a good time together. A couple times, we just made the comment that this would be the last road trip we would ever make as just the two of us... little did we know!!! We got home that night, and only had energy to get all the stuff out of the car, and into the apartment. We went to bed deciding that the plan for the next day was for us to go to the drs, then Steph would go to work, and I would go wash the car, and clean the apartment. We had just ordered our crib and were excited to get our second room all ready for the baby. It was still full of stuff from moving, and we wanted to have it all ready by October, so I was going to make a good dent in it to surprise Steph.

I woke up the next morning to Steph pacing the small hallway in our apartment in pain like she had up in Oregon. We ended up in a small argument over whether a pregnant woman should take Tylenol or not (an argument which I won, after looking it up online, showing my ailing wife that I possesed the medical prowess to care for her!! ...heavy sarcasm intended)... So, she took the Tylenol, and we got ready to go to the doctors...armed with questions about how to get rid of her pains and what kind of fiber a pregnant lady was safe to take! (they seemed like the right questions at the time!!)

We got to the doctors and were greeted with the usual full waiting room, and as usual, got back into our room about 45 mins late. The doctor greeted us, checked the baby's heartbeat- just as clear and normal as ever... and sat down with us to run through Steph's chart. He asked if we had any questions, and Steph asked about her pains she'd been having and told him about being instructed to take care of it with heartburn medicine etc. He skimmed the chart, and commented that he noticed her blood pressure was high-which was unusual, because it had been so great her whole pregnancy. All of the sudden, it seemed like he glanced down to something on the chart that he hand't seen yet, and said that her protein levels in her urine were unusually high. He looked up and said, "I'm going to send you down to the hospital for some tests". We both looked at each other and kind of groaned...because we had done the same thing a few weeks before, and it had turned in to a full day of sitting around and waiting for lab results that hadn't amounted to much. On our way out, I tried to ask some questions about the fiber she should be taking, but the doctor kind of brushed it aside and said "you need to get to the hospital to get those tests"... We were obviously on two different pages!

Steph called work on the way to tell them she would be late, and we both just laughed and grumbled about our bad luck saying "Well, there goes the day!". It was a relief when we were taken to the same room we had been in for testing the few weeks before by the same nurse, who had become a friend to us during the last visit. We had told her last time that we really hoped she'd be around for our delivery, and were delighted to see her again!. She told us that this was actually her first day back on the job after having been terribly sick for a week. We just said how lucky timing always seemed in situations like this. My brother Brady sent us a text saying that he was out doing errands, and could bring us some pizza or something for lunch if we wanted. He knew what a bummer it was for us last time to sit around and wait for the tests, and figured that he and his wife Taryn could come help us pass the time. We looked at each other and said, "Why not?"....

We chatted with our nurse, and waited for the test results to come back and just tried to kill the time. I was sitting on the chair next to Steph's bed, texting our parents...just trying to update them that we hadn't gotten any news back...just that her blood pressure was high, but no real news to worry about, when the nurse came back in. She sat down at the foot of the bed, looked at Steph and said "You're really sick". I went over to hold Stephs hand, and comfort her, when the world stopped...the nurse said "You're going to have your baby today, maybe tomorrow"....The rest of what she said about Steph's liver enzymes being sky-high, and having to be transferred to another hospital 45 minutes away, and all the rest kind of blurred together as we tried to comprehend what she had just said.

(to be continued... i'm too tired to type anymore!!)