It's not that hard...

(*I am adding this note a few days after posting this entry... I thought about just taking this post off completely to avoid confusion...but it was how I was feeling at the time. I don't know how clearly I was coming across... this post was written on what was probably the hardest day so far for me... the title "it's not that hard" is meant to be very ironic... it's kind of the whole argument that goes on inside of you, telling yourself to look on the bright side of things, when sometimes, the bad DOES outweigh the good...and that's okay! Anyway...most of the "positives" I mention in this entry come from things that people have told us as encouragement, and things that we tell ourselves...which are normally enough to keep our eyes on the prize and stay grateful...but it's my way of portraying the very human side of things...the side that does get discouraged and frustrated...temporary as it is...I tried to start off each paragraph like most of my thoughts that day...with a small positive thought, some silly...some more serious...but then end off each paragraph kind of how most of my thoughts ended up... more of a negative, wistful thought...it's how my brain was working that day...For those of you who know me, you can understand that most of this post was written tongue-in-cheek, while I was emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears!! But, it's good...not every day is like that... we're so blessed and taken care of! Anyway...enough blabbering ... just disregard this whole post if it doesn't make sense... :) )


You know... everyone keeps saying that how strong we must be, going through all of this. Every time they do, Steph and I just look at each other, and a million emotions run through our heads. Honestly...it's just one of those things that you just do; not because we chose the hard route, and stuck through it...but because for some reason, each morning we look down, and this is the road under our feet.

But you know... it's not that hard. I mean, Avery wasn't even due until October...mid October at that! So, yeah...since it's just the beginnning of September right now, we have a good 4-6 weeks before we even start longing to have her with us... right? In my head...thoughts go back and forth...almost arguing with each other... it's harder this way...no, it's easier... (I will apologize in advance...this post is going to seem a little disjointed...mostly tongue in cheek...but it's late...and you'll get more of a feel of what's really going on inside my head without further editing!)

Steph already looks as beautiful...no...even more beautiful than she ever has! It's only been a month and people come up to us all the time and say in disbelief that she doesn't even look like she's had a baby! And like everyone has reminded her: no stretch marks!! And with the added "enhancement" that comes with breast feeding...come on...who's really complaining!It's really those last few weeks that are the hardest on the mom physically...but then again, only a mother can understand what a treasure each day is...carrying her child...the last few weeks: roughest on the mom's body, so good for the baby's...

And as I've mentioned before, what father really gets to be a part of their child's life at this point anyway? My sister-in-law joked that an isolet is just a "womb with a view"!...What a way to spend the last few weeks of gestation! When other guys are giving lower back and foot massages to their wives with bellies 5 times bigger than anything you could expect to be humanly possible... We still get to go out on dates without trying to find a babysitter! Man, I always felt bad for that poor expectant mother we saw at church, due anytime and just SUPER uncomfortable-never got to that point!... or that dad who has to bring his screaming baby to the foyer-not there yet!... or that couple that just can't pay much attention to the meeting, cuddling their sweet little newborn...It's hard not to get jealous...

Oh yeah...and we don't have to worry about having that overnight bag carefully packed with anticipation... and waiting, endless conversations as the due date approaches,wondering exactly when our lives will be interrupted and changed forever. Will it be the middle of the night?? Or maybe randomly during the day?? Having a plan on how to meet up...or who to call first... Whew...we've got our surprise over with...not really how we expected it. As you get closer to the due date...I've heard someone say, it starts to seem like Christmas Eve...that sounded kinda cool...

For 3 bonus months, we get to sleep through the night, not having to wake up every few hours to a baby crying...everyone says to really count our blessings, because we'll never get another good nights rest. They don't understand how nice it will be to wake up to her little cries, instead of our own tears... that sweet little cry...I don't think I'll mind washing bottles so much then...

She's so little...so really, we wouldn't even know how to begin to take care of such a small baby! Now, we've got nurses doing all the hard stuff for us...monitoring her breathing, heart-rate, oxygen levels...preparing her mixture of milk and fortifyer to the right amounts and filling the feeding tube...giving her little back rubs when she needs stimulation... holding her little frog legs up with one hand and changing those smelly diapers...giving her her first little baths, calming her little cries with a comforting touch...picking out the cutest bows to match her tenderly made bed...tucking her in each night...sounds like fun to me :)

And let's be honest...how much can you miss someone who has never really been around?? I can understand, if we were already used to having her around all the time that it would be hard to have her away from us. We've never even had a baby in our home...so it's not like there's anything missing...in the nursery, with the crib covered in baby stuff, and I mean...all those carefully folded miniature outfits can wait in the little dresser...and we can already use the rocking chair when Steph pumps...actually... I can't wait to have her home...

I've only held her a few times really...Steph's only felt her little cheek on her chest a couple of times. We can count on a few of our big fingers, the number of times her little fingers have wrapped around ours so tightly, as if to say: Mom, Dad...it's going to be fine!! She's still hooked up to a feeding tube and monitors... stuck to her with little stickers that have little blue and pink rocking horses, teddy bears and trains on them that will always remind me of these special days. I have probably seen some of the same people at the grocery store more times in my life than I've seen my own sweet little daughter...and yet, this little stranger occupies most of our thoughts...

So yeah... for so many reasons...these past few weeks have gone by so quickly...and she'll be home before we know it...and we'll look back on these times with fondness...and we are so so so lucky and blessed...and closer than we've ever been...and sometimes, just sometimes... like this afternoon (and, in all honesty, many, many other times)standing over her little isolet, and those big little eyes look up to me and she almost seems to be reaching up to me...and I picture the day she's jumping on me...the three of us finally at home, squeeling and giggling ... though I might tell you that for so many reasons,it's not that hard...it does get pretty tough

Babies belong in their mother's arms...

Going through this difficult time... we try so hard to focus on the positive. We have so much to be grateful for...we have be so very blessed. Plus, complaining and focusing on the negative makes the minutes seem like days and they drag on and on. And yet...we're human. Steph and I seem to have a lot of talking time lately... long drives to the hospital, quiet moments at Avery's isolet, tired breaks betwen pumping. We try to motivate each other, look on the bright side, comfort and support one another. Most of the time, we just look at each other and laugh...what in the world happened to us three weeks ago!?!?! Sometimes...believe it or not...we actually complain.

I have my own reasons for why this has been hard...but for a minute, I want to give credit to my sweet wife Stephanie. She, like so many other mothers out there in similar situations, deserves a special award. Mothers in general earn a lifetime of gratitude from their children and the fathers of their children for the physical and emotional adventure of pregnancy they enjoy and endure to bring each of us into this life. The prize that waits at that journey's end...is for the mother to take her new child in her arms, and begin this new life together.

But for some moms...the time for them to savor that sweet moment is delayed. I can't tell you how full of gratitude our hearts are that our little Avery is so healthy and growing so strong! But...I can't tell you how difficult it is to see your amazing wife go through all the travails of pregnancy and the miracle of birth...and then leave the hospital a few days later...mother without a child.

Stephanie is so strong. I can't imagine how it must truly be for her. For me...it's amazing to be a part of my child's life at such an early stage...a time that is usually reserved intimately for mother and child. Now, she shares her private time with me and we walk these final weeks together. How do I ever make it up to her? What a gift I have been serendipitously given...but somehow at her expense. My promise to her, is to give her every moment of this life to mother her sweet children till this hole in her heart is overflowing...

I held my baby girl in the moments after her birth, and never wanted to let her go. I thought there would be nothing greater than just holding her in my arms. But then, a few short days later, I saw my wife take her baby in her arms...and the planets aligned in our little universe. This was how it should be, mother and child. There is nothing more right in this world than a baby in its mothers arms. And mothers need babies to hold...

In a perfect world...there would never be a millimeter of plexiglass between a mother and her child... but all the plexiglass in the world can't keep a mother's love from her baby...

So many of you who read this are mothers, with children of your own. I know that they are of all ages from grown to still in the womb. Each of us have our own difficult times to endure in this life...and have advice to give as we learn from them. I don't pretend to know very much at all about this life...but from what I have learned in these few weeks since we have had our baby...I do have this to pass on to you: hold your babies...hold on to them... cuddle them, rock them, tickle them. No matter how old they are...cherish that physical bond you have with them...whether you get it anytime you want...or it's for a few precious minutes twice a week. Don't ever take a single moment of it for granted...

We sit in the dim lights of the NICU and I watch Stephanie hold that sweet little girl and I see my whole world sitting there. The love I can physically feel coming from that little union opens up the pages of my life and I see days to come of laughing and playing, exploring and discovering, achieving and succeeding. There is nothing more that I enjoy nowadays, than seeing my wife hold our little girl. I don't quite understand why things are for us right now they way they are...but I do know this: There is a day coming, not too far off, when this wonderful little mom won't have to put her baby back after holding time. That day will make all of this worth it.

I love you Steph...Avery is the luckiest little girl in the world to have you as her mom.