Friday, September 5, 2008

It's not that hard...

(*I am adding this note a few days after posting this entry... I thought about just taking this post off completely to avoid confusion...but it was how I was feeling at the time. I don't know how clearly I was coming across... this post was written on what was probably the hardest day so far for me... the title "it's not that hard" is meant to be very ironic... it's kind of the whole argument that goes on inside of you, telling yourself to look on the bright side of things, when sometimes, the bad DOES outweigh the good...and that's okay! Anyway...most of the "positives" I mention in this entry come from things that people have told us as encouragement, and things that we tell ourselves...which are normally enough to keep our eyes on the prize and stay grateful...but it's my way of portraying the very human side of things...the side that does get discouraged and frustrated...temporary as it is...I tried to start off each paragraph like most of my thoughts that day...with a small positive thought, some silly...some more serious...but then end off each paragraph kind of how most of my thoughts ended up... more of a negative, wistful thought...it's how my brain was working that day...For those of you who know me, you can understand that most of this post was written tongue-in-cheek, while I was emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears!! But, it's good...not every day is like that... we're so blessed and taken care of! Anyway...enough blabbering ... just disregard this whole post if it doesn't make sense... :) )


You know... everyone keeps saying that how strong we must be, going through all of this. Every time they do, Steph and I just look at each other, and a million emotions run through our heads. Honestly...it's just one of those things that you just do; not because we chose the hard route, and stuck through it...but because for some reason, each morning we look down, and this is the road under our feet.

But you know... it's not that hard. I mean, Avery wasn't even due until October...mid October at that! So, yeah...since it's just the beginnning of September right now, we have a good 4-6 weeks before we even start longing to have her with us... right? In my head...thoughts go back and forth...almost arguing with each other... it's harder this way...no, it's easier... (I will apologize in advance...this post is going to seem a little disjointed...mostly tongue in cheek...but it's late...and you'll get more of a feel of what's really going on inside my head without further editing!)

Steph already looks as beautiful...no...even more beautiful than she ever has! It's only been a month and people come up to us all the time and say in disbelief that she doesn't even look like she's had a baby! And like everyone has reminded her: no stretch marks!! And with the added "enhancement" that comes with breast feeding...come on...who's really complaining!It's really those last few weeks that are the hardest on the mom physically...but then again, only a mother can understand what a treasure each day is...carrying her child...the last few weeks: roughest on the mom's body, so good for the baby's...

And as I've mentioned before, what father really gets to be a part of their child's life at this point anyway? My sister-in-law joked that an isolet is just a "womb with a view"!...What a way to spend the last few weeks of gestation! When other guys are giving lower back and foot massages to their wives with bellies 5 times bigger than anything you could expect to be humanly possible... We still get to go out on dates without trying to find a babysitter! Man, I always felt bad for that poor expectant mother we saw at church, due anytime and just SUPER uncomfortable-never got to that point!... or that dad who has to bring his screaming baby to the foyer-not there yet!... or that couple that just can't pay much attention to the meeting, cuddling their sweet little newborn...It's hard not to get jealous...

Oh yeah...and we don't have to worry about having that overnight bag carefully packed with anticipation... and waiting, endless conversations as the due date approaches,wondering exactly when our lives will be interrupted and changed forever. Will it be the middle of the night?? Or maybe randomly during the day?? Having a plan on how to meet up...or who to call first... Whew...we've got our surprise over with...not really how we expected it. As you get closer to the due date...I've heard someone say, it starts to seem like Christmas Eve...that sounded kinda cool...

For 3 bonus months, we get to sleep through the night, not having to wake up every few hours to a baby crying...everyone says to really count our blessings, because we'll never get another good nights rest. They don't understand how nice it will be to wake up to her little cries, instead of our own tears... that sweet little cry...I don't think I'll mind washing bottles so much then...

She's so little...so really, we wouldn't even know how to begin to take care of such a small baby! Now, we've got nurses doing all the hard stuff for us...monitoring her breathing, heart-rate, oxygen levels...preparing her mixture of milk and fortifyer to the right amounts and filling the feeding tube...giving her little back rubs when she needs stimulation... holding her little frog legs up with one hand and changing those smelly diapers...giving her her first little baths, calming her little cries with a comforting touch...picking out the cutest bows to match her tenderly made bed...tucking her in each night...sounds like fun to me :)

And let's be honest...how much can you miss someone who has never really been around?? I can understand, if we were already used to having her around all the time that it would be hard to have her away from us. We've never even had a baby in our home...so it's not like there's anything missing...in the nursery, with the crib covered in baby stuff, and I mean...all those carefully folded miniature outfits can wait in the little dresser...and we can already use the rocking chair when Steph pumps...actually... I can't wait to have her home...

I've only held her a few times really...Steph's only felt her little cheek on her chest a couple of times. We can count on a few of our big fingers, the number of times her little fingers have wrapped around ours so tightly, as if to say: Mom, Dad...it's going to be fine!! She's still hooked up to a feeding tube and monitors... stuck to her with little stickers that have little blue and pink rocking horses, teddy bears and trains on them that will always remind me of these special days. I have probably seen some of the same people at the grocery store more times in my life than I've seen my own sweet little daughter...and yet, this little stranger occupies most of our thoughts...

So yeah... for so many reasons...these past few weeks have gone by so quickly...and she'll be home before we know it...and we'll look back on these times with fondness...and we are so so so lucky and blessed...and closer than we've ever been...and sometimes, just sometimes... like this afternoon (and, in all honesty, many, many other times)standing over her little isolet, and those big little eyes look up to me and she almost seems to be reaching up to me...and I picture the day she's jumping on me...the three of us finally at home, squeeling and giggling ... though I might tell you that for so many reasons,it's not that hard...it does get pretty tough

4 comments:

Mama said...

She is so beautiful! So bright and alert. Wishing you well and praying for the Father's favor on you and your little one.

Blessings,
Holly

kdunford said...

Ryan, Steph, and Avery,

I have spent the better part of the day reading your blog and looking at your beautiful baby. I have cryed, I have laughed, and I have to thank you for the time you have spent preparing this blog, allowing us to share in your little girl's life and her adventures thus far. You are both amazing and you have the most amazing, beautiful, inspiring little angel. Congratulations and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Love,

Nathan, Kristen, and girls

Jen said...

steph your hair cut is SO cute! avery is as precious as can be! what a blessing!

Jen said...

ok, so i just read the whole thing AFTER watching the video and posting the last comment. anyway, sounds to me like you are saying this trial is hard at times, but has its positive things too. so typical of you guys, always looking on the bright side, SO admirable! i'm not doubting that the whole thing has been very hard at times, but i agree that there are good sides to it, AND just think about how exciting your next pregnancy will be, you guys will get to experience all those exciting moments that every woman faces at the end of her pregnancy. best of both worlds! ;) you guys rock! keep up the great attitude. said it a million times and i'll say it again, we miss you guys tons! :)